Those words are forever burnt in my mind. I can never erase that sentence that my son said to me yesterday. I felt horrible. I wanted to beat myself up for at least the next month. Or do I deserve even that?
But I’m done already. I have processed it. I’ve owned it. But let’s discuss it anyway. Just to drag it out and have an excuse for a blog post. I will tell on myself for the mothers that can’t or won’t.
How many times do our toddlers try to shove stuff in our mouths? When they are teeny tiny babies it’s really cute. It’s even cute when they start talking. I’m not sure when it crosses the line and becomes annoying. Perhaps after a twenty one day diet of clean eating and rigid exercise? Or maybe when I’m pmsing? Or when I’m on my cell phone returning that text that can’t wait?
“Mommy! have a cheerio!” he says trying to shove it in my mouth.
“That’s ok, sweetie. I don’t need any cheerios,” I say lovingly.
“But Mommy! it’s good!” he says.
‘No sweetie, I don’t want any, thank you,” I says.
“Just take it, Mommy!” he insists.
“I said I don’t want any,” I say in an annoyed tone.
“Okay Mommy, I’ll leave you alone” he said as he went back over to his chair and sank into it returning to the television, his only friend at that moment.
I felt like crap. It had been happening over a course of a few days. I was on a writing spree. I felt motivated and I needed to write. RIGHT NOW. It just couldn’t wait. So I sat in front of the computer for hours. When my son was home from school I still wrote. I put a movie in and wrote. I got up to feed the baby and change him and then back to my writing. Then I became irritable. So irritable. I snapped at my husband. I just wanted to check out. I briefly stopped being a mom and became a resentful, nagging, unhappy person, wife and mother. So I blamed it on PMS. It wasn’t until today, after I had eaten the whole refrigerator, that I realized that I was a week off on my calculation of my period.
So what could it be? I thought.
I racked my brain.
And then a friend said to me, “he didn’t want you to eat the cheerio! He just wanted your attention.” Bingo.
I forgot my job as a mother. Just for a few hours thank God.
So now it’s time to learn balance. It’s all about balance. I want to write but I made a decision to be a mother first.
I wrote my book when my first son was napping. I don’t remember tuning him out to write. But now with two children it has become more difficult to manage my time. It will just take a little reassessing, that’s all. I can write forever. But I can’t be a mother to a three year old and seven month old forever. I choose to look at this a gift. My eyes are opened to the fact that I have the ability to check out is something I am fully aware of today. Awareness is key.
So today I was so in tune with my family, I actually forgot my phone at home when we went out for breakfast. I waited until nap time for both kids to look at the computer. When one woke up, I turned the computer off.
When it was time for bedtime, I kept my phone but only in case my hubby called. I asked my son if he wanted to read a book and he said no. He wanted to play. But I insisted on it and we ended up reading about five books. He was reading to me in the end and I felt fulfilled as a mother. I told him I was too tired to read more. So he sat on the floor and read to me. Do I feel guilty about being too tired? No. I did the best I could today. It was enough. Probably more than enough. I didn’t want to read five books. But his enthusiasm gave me the energy to keep going. The awareness is a gift. Progress not perfection is the way I live my life today.