I Brush My Kids’ Hair With a Fork
Blog - January 24, 2018

3 year-old boy holding his long hair back

I brushed my kids’ hair with a fork. Yup, you heard right. I keep forks in my car. Along with headbands, LEGOS, pens, plastic bags, napkins, coupons, tampons, lip gloss, paper clips, scissors, etc. I live in my car. But I now keep a hairbrush in the car. Mornings get crazy with getting the kids dressed, fed and out the door. I can’t deal with the fight over brushing their hair, so we do it in the car.

boy laying on the grass laughing

There are days when things go really smoothly. But most of the time, there is something.

The other day I started having hot flashes and I suddenly realized that it’s about time I hit menopause. Somebody posted a 20-year reunion picture of us ten years ago. Why was I surprised when someone asked me if my kids were my Grandkids? How did this happen?

head shot of a boy with blue eyes

I was a late bloomer. I got married when I was thirty-six-years-old. I had kids when I was forty and forty two-years old. I started ironing when I was forty-five-years old.

My life with two boys under the age of six can be quite unmanageable. The look from the woman in front of me at Target said it all. But it works. Somehow, it works. And everyone seems entertained. But there is always something.

Like when I forgot to give both my kids water in their backpacks. They told me right away when I picked them up from school .

“I’m so thirsty,” they both said. I just replied, “get your bottle.”

Then they both told me that forgot to pack it for them. I felt like such an asshole. What mother forgets to pack their kids water, for goodness sake?

Well, I’d say it would be the type of mother who abandons her kids at the park. Or the kind of mother that lets her kids play with their cell phone. The mother who took the wrong kid to school?

What about having to call your 3-year-old’s school to let them know that they have a klepto on their hands? My son pulled out a bunch of cards out of his pocket, like it was nothing. But they consisted of a Hard Rock hotel room key, a cruise room key, a Walgreen’s rewards card and some other id’s.

Last time I checked three-year-olds’ didn’t take cruises by themselves. I started to panic because these were obviously someone’s cards. He didn’t seem fazed. I told him that we are not supposed to take other people’s property. That it is called stealing. And when people steal, they get arrested. And when they get arrested, they go to jail. Okay, maybe I didn’t need to say all that.

So, I called the school and talked to the principle that he took a bunch of cards. She said she would tell his teacher. When I got off the phone, he asked me if the police were coming to get him when he goes back to school. I said I didn’t know.

I thought this might be a good lesson in “scaring him straight.”

So, now every time he does something wrong he asks if the police are coming. That’s kind of a loaded question if you ask me.

two boys on a go cart

Yes, I brush my kids’ hair with a fork. When I must. It is what it is. What do you do to get through life with kids?


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