Why I am Grateful for Having a Miscarriage
Blog - November 30, 2016

Abstract picture about woman's loneliness

 

I never thought these words would ever come out of my mouth.  EVER.

I am grateful that I had a miscarriage.

It’s been almost seven years.  It was around Thanksgiving and we went to Disney to celebrate the three-month pregnancy.  After all, my doctor warned me that I might not be able to have children.  He said with having endometriosis and being 39 years-old, my chances were slim.

It took about eight months to get pregnant and we were excited.

But when we were at Disney, I went to the bathroom and saw a little blood on my underwear, I panicked.

It was the weekend and I talked to the nurse.  When I went in on Monday there was a faint heartbeat so I was relieved.

But then the weekend came and when I got home from work I noticed more blood.  I went in the following Monday and they told me that there was no heartbeat.

I was devastated.

They told me to wait for it to happen naturally.  That it would be like a heavy period.

Waiting was unbearable and I went back to work and pretended everything was okay.  I watched pregnant women shopping and babies in baby strollers pass by.  I did people’s makeup and pretended everything was okay.

After all, it would just be like getting my period.

I tried to convince myself it wasn’t that bad.  It happens  It’s part of the process when something doesn’t go right.

But then it started happening and I was running back and forth to the bathroom.  No body at work knew.  It wasn’t like getting my period.  The emotional toll it took on me was unbearable.

I sat on the floor behind my counter and sobbed.

I finally went to HR and told them and took a week off.  I called my mom and she flew in.

Some Thanksgiving.

All I could do was cry.

I just couldn’t understand why.  As I talked to people and opened I found out that it is common.  But it didn’t make it any less painful.

Everyone was disappointed, not just me.  My parents, my in laws and my husband.

There was a big cloud over the holidays.

The doctor said I could try again in three months.

But to think of it happening again was so scary I didn’t know if I could handle it again.  I also felt guilty for wanting to try.

I wasn’t sure how long I was supposed to grieve.  Three months didn’t seem long enough.  I had just lost a baby.

Some people undermine a miscarriage if the fetus was only a few weeks old.   I realized that when I told people I was only three months along.

What if it was a girl?

Inside my body was a living being.  I felt it.  My body was changing and it was growing rapidly.  I wondered if it was a boy or a girl and I would have found out with the new blood tests.  But I didn’t get to find out.

My dream of having a family was gone.  All the special memories of when I found out I was pregnant and when we went to Disney were now lost.

What would I do with the pregnancy test I saved as a memento?  I just looked at it and cried.  I cried for the loss of something I never knew.  A life, a child, a memory.

We decided to try again.  I got pregnant within a few months.

I was scared.  I analyzed every cramp and movement or lack of.  I prayed.  I cried.  I stressed.  I turned it over. I let go.  Repeat.

When it was time to have the baby, things didn’t go as planned and there was a problem with the baby so I went in for a C-Section.

It was scary and crazy and beautiful all at the same time.  His cry was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.  He had my heart and my fears slipped away as I held him.

I am grateful for the miscarriage, you see, because I had the most perfect son I could ever imagine from all of this.  I trust that a higher power was involved in this situation.  I will never know why I had it.  But I could never imagine my life without my son.  Without the miscarriage, I would not have had him.  This unique, beautiful, sweet, angel that is now five-years-old.

“Sometimes it doesn’t stick,” people say.  It sounds so artificial.  But I get it now.  Things didn’t come together as they should of.

Would I feel the same way had I not had children?  I doubt it.  As much as I trust that there is something out there taking care of us, I would always wonder about the life that could have been.

But I am still grateful because I have a story of hope.  If I can give one other woman hope and let her see that she is not alone, that her journey is special, even after such a loss, then I am grateful.

 

 

 

6 Comments

  1. I had a miscarriage when my son was 6 months old. I was on the depo shot and didn’t know I was pregnant. I broke my ankle at my aunt’s wedding renewal and ended up having surgery. I started bleeding but I knew I wasn’t due for my time of month. Later after surgery I had to have help using the restroom because I was bedridden. I passed the baby in a bed pan. I was in shock and so was my mom who had been right there with me. The nurses walked to the bathroom and dumped it in the toilet and just flushed. I couldn’t have handled another baby so soon but those nurses I will never forgive.

    1. Wow, thanks for sharing your story Rebecca! That’s awful. I saw and felt the sac come out and it totally freaked me out. I can’t imagine what you had to go through with that visual. and your mom. I’m so surprised the nurses did that. How inhumane. I’m sorry for your loss.

  2. It helps to talk about it! A miscarriage is a traumatic loss!! I had two of them. One was so bad that I had to have a DNC! The up and down emotional roller coaster was awful as well!! After all my hormones were going amok! I had one miscarriage with my first baby. I was almost 4 months! I had painful cramps and bleed a lot. Plus (I don’t mean to gross anyone out but I don’t know how else to explain it) I was passing these huge blood clots! They looked like pieces of liver! The doctors put me on antibiotics and gave me a DNC. The doctor said that I really should refrain from having sex for at least 3 months to make sure that I was healed. Well I waited over six months! I was nervous and scared! Plus I did not want to be responsible for losing another baby! I had enough guilt as it was! I had three healthy children and then I lost another baby. I hate to put it like this, but I was around 10 weeks and did not go through all that I went through the first time and it wasn’t as painful!! I tried one more time. God blessed me with one more child! She was perfect! I had a tubal ligation 18 months after she was born. I felt that my body went through enough in 11 years!! Plus I had to go to work. Financial troubles plagued us and I didn’t want more babies just to have a day care associate raise her/him! Thank you for sharing! I am so glad that God gave you your heart’s desire and he was perfect!!

  3. That is some story. I am happy and sad for you. Glad it all worked out in the long run. Give him all your love everyday.

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